My Eventful Day

My daughter is too much like me! She is only 14 months old and has already racked up an impressive number of bloody lips and today she added to that list her very first bloody nose!

Babysitting at Rachel's house is far easier than being at my house most of the time because her baby-proofed loft is exponentially more Kai-proof than my house. It seems that at home Kai can get into everything no matter what precautions we have made. Today for the very first time she climbed onto the coffee table in the living room without assistance from any of her toys.

Sebastian is easier to watch, like his house is safer he just seems to be much more cautious. Watching the two of them is hilarious. They antagonize each other and chase each other, yesterday they spent about an hour playing tug-of-war with a blanket and just laughing. It is generally a fun and easy time with the two of them. Not so much today...

Kai was in an okay mood when we got to Rachel's, but after conquering the coffee table at home she was in an overly adventurous mood. She took to standing on the toys with wheels and trying to balance herself in the bin of blocks. Sebastian took the much safer route of watching her from a distance, he simply sat on my lap clutching his blanket and waited for her to entertain him.

Oddly she doesn't often get hurt when she totters precariously on clearly unstable objects. That wouldn't be fun. No instead she was standing still and somehow tripped herself onto her sippy cup when she gave herself a bloody nose. Sebastian ran over to where I held her in my lap, squatted down until they were face to face and began his babbling that I suppose she may understand because through her tears a weak smile emerged.

I called my cousin to find out exactly how one treats a bloody nose for a toddler. Apparently the most important thing to do is to remain calm. That is much easier said than done when your precious baby is bleeding in your lap. Then you pinch the bridge of the nose and lean them slightly forward. The bump from the sippy cup couldn't have been that bad since the bleeding subsided before I could do anything but I'm glad that I have that for future reference.

Thankfully Sebastian is far less clumsy than my daughter and he was happy to just watch rather than participate in her dangerous antics today. No matter how hard it is for me to watch my own daughter get hurt I have a feeling it would be much worse explaining to my friend that her son had given himself a bloody nose!

Working Mom

When I found out I was pregnant I was sure that it would be so easy to find a babysitter and head off to work everyday. What I didn't expect what the price of gas would skyrocket and the cost for daycare wouldn't be in my price range. Not only was it not in my price range but until you have a baby you don't realize that daycare doesn't watch a baby before they're at least three months old, many even older than that. That wouldn't be such a big deal if maternity leave generally lasted more than eight weeks leaving you a month of worrying what to do with your little miracle!

I did not stay at my job at the deli in a food store. As much as I thought I loved my job it wasn't worth leaving my baby for. That being said I need to make it clear that I had a job and NOT a career. I was working in a deli slicing meats and cheese, it wasn't exactly the dream I had for my future when I was a kid. Actually when I was a kid the only thing I ever wanted to be, besides a writer, was a mom!

It was a huge step of faith to leave my job, one that was assisted by the fact that my car transmission went. For a few months I just scraped by with my mom's help and then something amazing happened for us, my friend Rachel asked me to watch her happy little boy Sebastian!

This was better than I could ever imagine. Not only did I have a job that I can honestly say I loved but now our kids had built in friends. Since Sebastian was older than Kai he helped to improve her motor skills and they get so excited when they see each other. Its funny to watch them play together because they have such distinct personalities.

Sebastian is very chill. He is content to sit and play with whatever is in front of him and he is generally very happy. My daughter is the troublemaker. When I give them snacks Sebastian is fine with just eating them while Kai has to smash them into the floor. If Sebastian is quietly playing with a toy then Kai likes to go and grab it from him. Now I'm not just being hard on my daughter, she's going to be a sneaky one.

Last time we were hanging out with Sebastian she was throwing a fit because he kept taking her sippy cup and she didn't want to share. I took it from him and gave it back to her because it was her milk cup. Then while I was watching her she walked over to where he was sitting watching his show and dropped the cup at his side, then she turned to look at me and gave out a cry like he had just ripped it out of her hands. I couldn't help but laugh but she didn't think it was funny when I didn't tell him no for taking her bottle.

I have so much respect for the moms who entrust caregivers with their kids everyday so that they can provide for them. It is a hard thing to do, to get ready and say goodbye to a piece of your heart everyday when you go to work. I am lucky that I get to spend the days with my daughter and I'm even more lucky that Rachel entrusts precious Sebastian into my care. I am a working mom, working at making the lives of these amazing little kids as fun and happy as it can possibly be!

This One Is For My Mom

There is so much pain in the world. What hurts me more than anything is knowing that I cannot stop my daughter from getting hurt all the time.

Tonight was one of those heartbreaking nights where she simply doesn't feel good. She screamed and cried unless I was holding her because she's hurting. I think its her teeth, they're coming in so fast and I'm not sure what else could be bothering her since she doesn't have a fever.

Holding her to my chest, and having her rest her head on my shoulder my heart aches. I want nothing more than to make everything better. She went to sleep quickly and of course is fine as she rests but a parent can't help but hurt when their children hurt.

I don't think I ever understood that when my mom told me that.

When I was a kid I was accident prone. I was in and out of the hospital with stitches and broken bones. My mom always told me that I made her worry but I figured she was overreacting because of course I'm fine today so she had to know back then that I would be okay.

The first time my little Kai gave herself a bloody lip I was scared half to death. I managed to stay calm and clean her up. I got her settled down with an ice pop and then when I knew she was okay I began to shake and the tears just came. My baby had gotten hurt and I couldn't do anything to stop it.

So this blog is for my mom. I love you so much. I never understood the love and connection that we must have. Every time I cried over a broken heart, broken bone or new set of stitches you were there trying to be strong for me but hurting just as much. When I hurt my hand I was terrified. I thought I would never use it again and at first I even thought there was a good chance I wouldn't make it. But you helped me through everyday and I don't know that I've ever thanked you for your strength and love.

I took so much for granted as I grew up. I was blessed with a mom who loved unconditionally and I took her love for granted. I never grasped the depth of her love or the strength of her character. Thank you mom for helping to shape me into who I am today. Thank you for hurting with me as I weathered each painful storm in my life. But most of all thank you for loving me for who I am, and even when you didn't agree with all of my choices supporting me and allowing me to become the woman I am today. I don't say it enough but I love you with all of my heart and hope that I can be half the mom to my little girl that you were to me!

Loving the Unexpected

As any parent knows each day holds new, exciting, and unexpected wonders. Almost fourteen months ago I was facing a massive unknown, single-parenthood situation. It was a daunting and thrilling adventure that I knew would be the best thing I had done thus far in my life.

Taking home my precious little girl was amazing and exhausting, I had to take care of myself and an infant who I knew I loved more than life itself. Now it wasn't the easiest thing and sometimes I would wonder if there was a possibility that anyone would love me and my baby. That was the most important factor when thinking about whether or not I would ever date again, I had to know that my daughter was completely adored by any guy I allowed in my life. It wasn't enough for me to find a guy that cared for me and simply tolerated my daughter, I didn't want to give her a second-best daddy in her life. Thoughts like these would dance around in my head as I held my little treasure as she napped on my chest or when I was trying to finish another assignment for my college class before she demanded my undivided attention again.

Then one day an unexpected thing happened, I reconnected with an old friend. A guy that I had known years earlier began talking with me through Facebook. It's weird how things happen, especially after you resign yourself to the life you are currently living. The first time we hung out was perfect. He came in with nothing for me but a hug and a cute flower shaped rattle for Kai. Not only was I smitten but my little girl fell in love.

As I look back over the past eight months, I know that I found the perfect man for me and daddy for my little girl. I never expected to find somebody to complete our family, I wasn't even looking, but now I don't know how we ever got by without him. Each day as Kai grows and changes I know to look for the unexpected things that hold beauty and wonder. When she runs full speed into a hug or tries to do a somersault, there is nothing but beauty in all of her unexpected quirks!

Cooking Up A Mess

There are times that I am exhausted and just want to lay down and relax. Sometimes that's okay, but today we had people in and out of the house because we're having a few things fixed up.

In the chaos of the day the child gate to the kitchen was set aside so that contractors and the home owners could come and go more easily. I took Kai into the living room and got her some lunch as I sat down to take a well deserved break. I close my eyes for a minute and suddenly the house was too quiet. Surely all parents can appreciate that noise is good. Noise means your child is happily playing in an area that you have already determined as safe.

Kids however don't feel that multi-colored blocks and fluffy animals are where the real fun is at though. Real fun is found in empty containers and that drawer of miscellaneous things you haven't quite gotten around to organizing yet.

I feel that I've done a decent job with "kid proofing" my house, but the gate just wasn't there today.

So, I'm laying on the couch listening for my daughter as I think she's happily playing with her toys and eating her mac-n-cheese when the room goes quiet. I'm talking "horror movie - someone is going to jump out behind you, quiet", the quiet that screams "I'M UP TO NO GOOD!" and then a giggle... I leap to my feet and run into the only room I can imagine would elicit a giggle from my daughter, the kitchen.

What I saw made me just stop and smile. I swear there are some times that she does stuff that I know I should be telling her "no" and discouraging her from repeating but she was so cute sitting among our groceries. I actually snapped a few pictures and called Richie in to see what mischief she had gotten into before taking her out, putting up the kid gate, and sweeping up the sugar she had spilled all over the kitchen floor.

I don't know if its just me but sometimes I can't help but smile at her messes. I did have to clean up quite a mess, and I did have quite a scare, but kids are bound to push the limits. The second that kid gate was gone Kailee wanted to be where she wasn't allowed. She wanted to play with the bowls and cans of food that normally are hidden away from her sticky fingers. When the cleaning was done I picked her up and took her back outside to play with a promise that soon she and I will bake some cookies and she can get as messy in the kitchen as her little heart desires!

What Kind of Parent Am I?

Before I had my daughter I knew exactly what kind of parent I would be! I was going to be the mom that only gave her baby organic baby food that I made from scratch at home. I would dress the baby in the cutest outfits that would always be clean and I wouldn't let the baby watch television or ever have a pacifier!

Funny how high our standards can be before we're in the situation...

Even when I found out I was pregnant I just knew that I was going to be that mom that could do it all. My child would be a model child that never threw temper tantrums in public or had accidents at inconvenient times. My rose colored glasses evaporated quickly upon my daughters arrival.

All parents will tell you that they have the perfect child. I myself often wanted to exaggerate how long my daughter would sleep through the night at first just to try and prove that I was a great mom and my daughter was the greatest. Now, before I continue I'd like to impress the fact that in my eyes my daughter is perfect but I am not unaware of her quirky personality.

Early on it was evident that I did not have the easiest baby around. My friend had apparently given birth to the happiest baby known to man. We would hang out at a mutual friends house and while Kai screamed and fussed unless I was holding her, Sebastian was happy and smiling no matter what. When they got tired Kai just fussed more while Sebastian happily went to sleep on our friends bed. So although my daughter was happy for me she was a finicky baby.

For the longest time nobody but I could hold her. She would cry and scream if I walked away from her unless we were just at the house. Thankfully she has outgrown that stage of clingy to me constantly and I feel that is due in large to Richie coming into our lives and helping give more than just me to depend on.

So the question remains, what kind of parent am I? I give my daughter a pacifier because she is the type of girl who puts everything in her mouth. Honestly I'd rather have her sucking on a pacifier than chewing on a rock! I didn't make her baby food at home because I couldn't afford to and she is completely healthy! As for the outfits, well most days I'll dress her, at least I do if we plan on leaving the house. I put an extra outfit in her bag but I rarely put it on because I know for a fact that its just going to be as dirty as the outfit she's wearing in no time at all. I allow her to watch a show in the morning since we're both still sleepy and a lot of the shows are educational and she doesn't focus on them most of the time anyway.

Kai does throw a fit when she feels like it (which is a lot more often now that she's teething) but she seems to be outgrowing that as well. I am a parent who is learning everyday. That is the kind of parent I am. No child is alike and so I don't think any two parents can really be alike either. I feel that as long as you love your child with your whole heart then you are the best parent in the world for your kids!

The Life I Left Behind

There are always before and after moments in a person's life. Before you got that big promotion or asked your significant other to marry you. After you graduated from high school and landed the job of your dreams. We all break down our lives into a myriad of before and after moments.

My big "after" moment was the moment I gave birth to my precious little girl, Kailee Victoria.

Before I had Kai I was a completely different person. I spent my time practicing martial arts and surfing or if I could scrounge up the money skydiving! I was out every night of the week with my friends and working every single day at a job I had convinced myself I really enjoyed.

Then I had my baby girl and suddenly my old life was gone. Where I thought my life was meaningful I now look back and just see it in various shades of gray. Nothing in this world can compare to the awesome beauty of being a parent.

I left the job that I had thought would be my future and I took to babysitting for friends. One day sitting and talking with a friend as our kids played nearby, she looked up at me and asked, "what do you miss most about your life before you had Kai?"

I had to pause and think. I don't miss my life from before I had Kai. Although I thought I would be the cool mom who dragged her infant to martial art events so that I could keep up with the group, the need to practice capoeira wasn't so important anymore. I don't miss staying out until all hours of the night and working at a dead-end job that I now realize didn't make me happy at all. 

My life is different in so many ways but I don't miss the life that I left behind the day I found out I was pregnant. I think that as humans we adapt amazingly well to all the curve balls that life throws at us. We would never be content to remain stagnant in a life that momentarily seems to be the greatest life in the world. Each and everyday holds unexpected beauty and joy! 

I did love the life I left behind when it was the life that I was living on a daily basis. I wouldn't want to go back now and lose all I've gained though. Take each day as the gift that it is and don't look back with regret. Today is all we have to count on so make the most of it!